Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had the most sassy sparkly kick ass Christmas break! I would apologise for my recent silence but I’ve been living it up, drunk as a skunk every night surrounded by my loved ones, so #sorrynotsorry.
New Year has rolled around again, and in prep for 2016 I’m seeing everyone rolling out their ‘new me’ plans left right and centre – which is fabulous, of course. If you’re using this fresh start to kick some butt and tick off your to do list, well that’s amazing for you! Snaps! However if you’re a little more like me (I’ve started the squat challenge 7 times and my record is day 6 for goodness sake), then I’ve put together a little more achievable New Year’s Resolution list. See below.
(Before you start, I want you to know that I expect you to read this in your best Bridget Jones voice. That’s what we’re going for right now.)
1) Perfect the winged eyeliner look.
2) Invest in a fab contour set – that £3/4 one from Collection isn’t cutting it these days, okay?
3) Whilst you’re at it, try and find a concealer that ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING
4) Only watch 1-2 hours of TV a day. (That includes having it on in the background whilst you’re getting ready for work.)
5) Failing this, because we all know you will – only have 1 Netflix binge session per week.
6) Find a super cute way to reuse all those random basically-empty candle jars you have all over the house.
7) Instead of forcing yourself to read ‘clever books’, just read whatever you fancy – then you might actually read
8) Following on, read for half hour every day. Get soaked up in that book. Fall in love with Mr Darcy all over again. Cry when it’s over.
9) Buy yourself that Starbucks Chai Latte you’re dying for, you work hard okay! (Maybe take that book with you?!)
10) Even on your worst dying-in-bed days, always always always get out of the house.
11) Take at least one bath a week – not gross, I do shower, I just never ‘have time’/make time for baths!
12) Set up a direct debit for all your bills, and leave enough in your account to cover them. They’ll sort themselves out. Done.
13) Also, sort out your online banking. You’re an adult now. And adults need online banking. Period.
14) Actually be on time for work. Those 1/2 minutes everyday might be adding up for your boss.
15) Actually leave on time from work. Those extra 20 minutes/half hour/hour/two hours definitely isn’t adding up for your boss.
16) Whilst you’re at it – take your full goddamn lunch break. They don’t pay you for that either!
17) Drink a zillion glasses of water a day. (Plus one before you drunkenly pass out. Trust me.)
18) Spend one hour a day having ‘me time’. Because you’re worth it.
19) Being healthy is fab, but don’t go mad okay? You can balance out whatever you eat. You ate crap today? GIMME 50 SIT UPS.
20) Buy the stuff you’ve had on your list for about two years – like that leather jacket, GOOD black tights, and find a cute black skater skirt because your one is shite.
21) Wear your new stuff with pride and realise that you’re hot ASF every single day.
22) Take time to speak to your friends and catch up – or read through that group chat you’ve been too manic to read today.
23) Take your make up off/moisturise your face every night. Even when you’re too drunk to see straight. Especially then.
24) Also, brush your teeth every night. – again, not gross, I obviously do, but it’s the last thing I think of when I’m crawling in at 5 am.
25) Remember how Christmas always makes you skint? Put £10 away each month – you’ll have £120 by next year. You can thank me later.
26) Actually cook some of those 3298723476238 recipes pinned on your pinterest board.
27) Get a hair grips/hairband pot.
28) Drastically change your boring hairstyle – stop being a little bitch about it because IT WILL GROW BACK.
29) Find your ‘sass song’ that helps you find your sass even on the worst days. *Cue Beyonce*
30) Do not wallow in problems, but constructively plan a kick ass strategy to beat them.
31) Learn that when stressed, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook/Twitter will not help. In fact, just stop doing that altogether.
32) Oh and stop stalking your ex’s/boyfriend’s ex’s/people you hate on social media. Yeah, even you sitting there like ‘lol I don’t do that’ – who are you trying to kid?
33) Try to stop thinking bad things about people. Really really really try. If they’re really that awful, then just don’t say it. There’s enough negativity in the world.
34) Forgive people. That ex who cheated on you 5 years ago and no one really cares any more but you’ve brutally held on to that since – just let it go. We’re over it.
35) Squat until you can’t walk up the stairs. (I do mine while brushing my teeth!)
36) Plan meals for the week, preferably before your weekly shop – oh, and make tomorrow’s packed lunch the night before.
37) Buy those shoes. (Last year, there were these adorable perfect black platform ankle boots in New Look, and I thought I’d be sensible and wait until pay day. They sold out. Haunted me ever since.) BUY THE SHOES.
38) Stop cheaping out on underwear, because they’ll last longer, make you feel sassy and continue to be your secret weapon.
39) Stop wearing that god awful tiny black lace thong because he might love it but it uncomfortably eats up your ass all day. Put yourself first.
40) Actually learn to put yourself first in all aspects of life. I am the WORST for putting other people’s happiness first. 2016 – the year I say f*ck you I don’t want to.
41) Formulate a plan to get those abs showing like you’ve been wanting to for three years. Speak to that personal trainer friend of yours, or the one who’s lost loads of weight and looks fabulous. Stop saying ‘tomorrow’.
42) Buy a potted plant and actually keep it alive. Apparently good for mental health?
43) Travel. Whether that’s a distant town or around the world. I don’t care, just go see some stuff you haven’t seen before.
44) Stop caring about how many likes you get on IG/FB.
45) P O S I T I V E E N E R G Y. Don’t sit there and complain to me that you’re bored because you’re sitting on your ass all day. You wont get sympathy – I really really really don’t care.
46) Walk up to him at a bar, text him first, say hey on tinder – take control of your love life. Why are you waiting for him girl?
47) Also take control of your friendship-life – cut out the freeloaders and the good-time friends ASAP. And stop being guilted into seeing that one friend from three years ago who still thinks you’re insanely close but you really cba.
48) No drama. Or as little as humanly possible. We do not do drama.
49) Kick ass. All day errrrrday.
50) Stay Sassy.
Love you xxxx
(PS. Maybe 51 can be reading Courage Is Not An Option alllllll the time? *wink*)