Every year I expect this to get easier, and it never does. It’s not very often I bare all on here, or even talk about my past, but I feel like I have to write this one for all the other people who suffer on this day.
Have you ever had that feeling on Valentine’s Day, where you’ve just had your heart broken, but everyone else is posting happy couple photos? That pain, that jealousy… that grief. Even if there’s not a particular person you want to be in a relationship with, it still hurts. Remember that feeling? That’s what I get on Mother’s Day.
Strangely for me, the other 364 days a year I’m fine, mostly. As odd as it may seem to other people, I don’t miss her. We were never close, and we were rarely happy – not in an immature mother/daughter fighting way, but in the way of two people who weren’t supposed to be in each other’s life. But still, on this day I pine for what everyone else has.
Before I go any further, I have to say that technically I do have a Mum, but we haven’t spoken in nearly 4 years. It’s complicated, and sadly unforgivable. I almost feel selfish feeling this way, I feel like it’s not my grief to have. I know quite a few people who’s Mums have tragically passed away, and I hope they know that in no means am I trying to belittle the pain they must feel.
I am blessed in the way that my Mum, as much as she isn’t one to me, brings up my two beautiful brothers, and wherever she is I do hope she’s happy.
I am also blessed that when I was 16 and everything blew up, I had (and still have) an incredible support system. I have so many ‘adopted’ families, so many friend’s Mums whom love me like their own, and so many friends who fill all the gaps that she left. I have people I can turn to for advice, shoulders I can cry on, and most importantly a permanent undeniable love.
One more thing I’m incredibly blessed for, is my best friend. Amy is like my best friend, sister, and Mum all rolled into one. And I love her so much.
I have to remind myself on this day, to be happy for other people’s happiness and to feel love from everyone else in my life, rather than focussing on the one person I don’t have.