Mother’s Day without a Mother 

Every year I expect this to get easier, and it never does. It’s not very often I bare all on here, or even talk about my past, but I feel like I have to write this one for all the other people who suffer on this day. 

Have you ever had that feeling on Valentine’s Day, where you’ve just had your heart broken, but everyone else is posting happy couple photos? That pain, that jealousy… that grief. Even if there’s not a particular person you want to be in a relationship with, it still hurts. Remember that feeling? That’s what I get on Mother’s Day. 

Strangely for me, the other 364 days a year I’m fine, mostly. As odd as it may seem to other people, I don’t miss her. We were never close, and we were rarely happy – not in an immature mother/daughter fighting way, but in the way of two people who weren’t supposed to be in each other’s life. But still, on this day I pine for what everyone else has. 

Before I go any further, I have to say that technically I do have a Mum, but we haven’t spoken in nearly 4 years. It’s complicated, and sadly unforgivable. I almost feel selfish feeling this way, I feel like it’s not my grief to have. I know quite a few people who’s Mums have tragically passed away, and I hope they know that in no means am I trying to belittle the pain they must feel. 

I am blessed in the way that my Mum, as much as she isn’t one to me, brings up my two beautiful brothers, and wherever she is I do hope she’s happy. 

I am also blessed that when I was 16 and everything blew up, I had (and still have) an incredible support system. I have so many ‘adopted’ families, so many friend’s Mums whom love me like their own, and so many friends who fill all the gaps that she left. I have people I can turn to for advice, shoulders I can cry on, and most importantly a permanent undeniable love. 

One more thing I’m incredibly blessed for, is my best friend. Amy is like my best friend, sister, and Mum all rolled into one. And I love her so much.

I have to remind myself on this day, to be happy for other people’s happiness and to feel love from everyone else in my life, rather than focussing on the one person I don’t have. 



As always, 

Stay sassy, 

Lauren 

xxx

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3 thoughts on “Mother’s Day without a Mother 

  1. Insulted says:

    Honestly, Lauren. I find this post completely insulting.
    I understand you don’t celebrate with your mother on Mother’s Day because you had a disagreement or you don’t get on, but this is down right dimeaning to anyone who has actually lost a parent. You say you don’t want to belittle those who have lost their mothers but this post is doing exactly that because you are feeling sorry for yourself with a choice that YOU made.
    By not even justifying the reason in this post you are belittling others because for all your audience knows, you could have fallen out over the smallest thing. Just because you two don’t speak, it doesn’t give you the right to act like you deserve a medal for coping without her.
    And frankly, it can’t have been that bad if you say you hope she’s happy.
    I feel you should delete this post out of respect.

    Like

    • Lauren Marie Dudley says:

      I’m going to assume it’s been yourself commenting on a couple of my posts. Thank you for taking to time to read, I’d be interested to know who you are behind your anonymity. I’m sorry you find this insulting, but I feel as though you may have misread my tone. I don’t write this from a protected young child view point, I wrote it as a young adult mourning the loss of her mother as if she truly died. I had to make a decision a long time ago, which yes was my decision, but it was still one I found extremely difficult to make. My mother was a complex woman, and what unfolded at home is not something I can share so publicly at the current time – I’m sorry I can’t give you the justification you need. To explain to my followers and readers what happened, would mean announcing it in a way that would affect my younger brothers lives. I always bare in mind that my actions regarding that topic could directly affect them, especially considering the dark nature of what happened. Not only am I telling you and the world full of anonymous readers, but I tell my brothers friends, their future girlfriends, their future in laws, their future family’s. I’m not sure I could do that to two people I love so dearly, two people who are still too young to understand themselves what actually took place.
      As far as I’m concerned me wishing her happiness shows an extreme level of maturity, and it’s part of who I am. She may be manipulative, vindictive and cruel, but I stand by my beliefs, and I will not let her ruin me. I wouldn’t wish unhappiness on my worst enemy, and I hope that by not holding that grudge it will help me to move on, and live my life without my mother.
      Thanks again for reading, if I may I’d like to remind you not to judge unless you know the full story, and in this case I’m afraid you just can’t have it.

      Liked by 2 people

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